AUGUST

Preparing for the day when your child packs up and leaves home for university requires more than just a packing list. There are going to be some major adjustment issues for both you and your child as s/he takes the first steps toward independence.

Before You Leave Home Getting Organized - What to Do Logistically - What to Avoid Logistically - What to Do Emotionally - What to Avoid Emotionally The Dreaded Drop-off - What to Do - What to Avoid What’s Going On with You - What to Do - What to Avoid Reassurance for you

Before You Leave Home:

What can you do to prepare yourself (and your child) for this major change? First, you can take pride in the job you have done as a parent. The years of caring, chauffeuring, nursing, listening, empathizing, supporting, and, yes, sometimes just coping with your child are nearly over. The last year of high school is usually a challenging one. High school seniors typically are more than ready to move away from the family, and they have a way of making that clear. After the stresses of applications, test taking, and acceptance decisions are over, most high school seniors find themselves in an ambivalent place – still at home but ready to move on. Parents complain that their high school seniors are hard to recognize as the children they’ve known and loved. Some feel this is nature’s way of preparing you to say good-bye. In fact, at some points, you can’t wait to say good-bye!

Getting Organized:

As the excitement of anticipating university acceptance letters and the relief of having made the choice wears off, you’ll notice a gradual shift in your child’s behaviour, which usually intensifies in the weeks just before he or she leaves for university. Just as parents are ambivalent about this event, their children are often experiencing conflicting emotions too. They are nervous, excited, sad, and confused, all at the same time. And this can make for some intense family interactions.

What to Do Logistically:

• Recognize that this is normal preuniversity jitters on your child’s part and that it is important for her to spend time with high school friends in order to make the break with them.
• Ask if there is something you can do to be helpful (while not taking on the whole project yourself). For example, you might be able to help by comparing prices so that she has the information to make a decision about buying a computer.
• Ask Ashley to set aside a couple of hours on a specific day to go out for lunch with you to talk about plans for the move. Make a list of things that you feel need to be addressed, and ask Ashley to do the same.

What to Avoid Logistically:

• Taking on the packing and organizing yourself.
• Giving her the third degree or nagging her everyday about getting ready.

What to Do Emotionally:

• Take care of yourself. Recognize that you may be expressing your own preuniversity jitters in trying to be hyperorganized when what you really need to do is deal with your feelings about your daughter leaving home. Commiserate with a friend who’s in the same situation.
• Ask your child, “What are your hopes, fears, and expectations about being a university student?” Then simply LISTEN without judging or dismissing anything she says.
• Let her know your hopes, fears, and expectations. You may be most concerned about safety, grades, drinking, drugs, the social scene, eating habits, and basic adjustment. It will be interesting for you to hear your child’s concerns. Warning: Your child may not be eager to do this. That’s okay. Expressing some of your feelings will make you feel better.
• Remind your child that she may be on an emotional roller coaster for a while, but that you are confident that she is ready for this new life away from home.
• Reassure her that she can always call on you for support.

What to Avoid Emotionally:

• Ignoring your own feelings or projecting them onto your child.
• Taking on your daughter’s tasks and emotions as your own. This will only make you feel frustrated and angry.

The Dreaded Drop-off:

Whether you say good-bye to your new university student at the residence hall or at the airport, you’ve anticipated this moment and perhaps dreaded it for months. For years we have witnessed that most poignant of scenes – arrival day for students with their parents in tow. Families wandering around campus looking confused and concerned. New students trying to distance themselves from their parents and younger brothers and sisters. Families standing around feeling useless after the last box has been carted to the room and the roommate has appeared for the obligatory handshake.

What to Do:

• Have the meaningful conversation and tearful good-bye before you leave home.
• Make a rapid, graceful exit! A quick hug, preferably when no one else is around, and you should be on your way.
• Tour the campus and attend parents ’ events on your own.
• Do something fun with the rest of your family.

What to Avoid:

• A drawn-out leave-taking. It will only make you and your university student miserable.
• Don’t be tempted to come back for just one more good-bye before you leave town. It’s guaranteed to be an unsatisfying experience for all of you.

What’s Going On with You:

As you begin to contemplate life back at home without your child, your feelings may differ from those of your spouse, partner, or other family members. When students go to university, the family changes. Some parents feel guilty that it’s great to be rid of their kids and look forward to some peace and quiet at home. Some feel devastated and dread going home. Or they may feel like one parent at orientation who shouted with glee, “This is my last child to go to university. As soon as the dog dies, I’m free!” You may have all of these feelings at different times or all at once. Not everyone experiences major changes in the same way – and this kind of change usually includes feelings of loss as well.

What to Do:

• Ask your spouse about his or her hopes, fears, and expectations as you leave your child at university.
• Try to listen, without judgment, to your partner’s feelings, even though yours may differ.
• Realize that change, even though it’s essentially positive, can leave you with feelings of loss.
• Remember that each person experiences change in his or her unique way. No one way is right or wrong.
• Try to respect your spouse’s feelings, even if they are unexpected and uncomfortable for you.
• Listen to the feelings without judging them.
• Talk to a friend who has gone through or is going through the same experience.

What to Avoid:

• Accusing your spouse of being unfeeling or too emotional.
• Expecting your partner to react the same way you do.
• Burdening your new university student with your feelings of loss and sadness.

Reassurance for You:

It’s important to remember, however, that you’ve laid the groundwork for this change through years of instilling values in your child. Research shows that most students finish their university years with most of their family’s core values intact. This doesn’t mean that they won’t try out other values and ideas during the university years – they will. But you can rest assured that the foundation you’ve provided will remain strong, although you may have to struggle through some disconcerting experimentation with new “looks,” taste in music, religious questioning, and lifestyle adventures.

	Please note that all italicized text throughout this site has been reprinted by permission from St. Martin’s Press. This book can be purchased through Western’s eBookstore. Just click on the book cover to order.
	Copyright © 2000 by Helen E. Johnson and Christine Schelhas-Miller From: Don't Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money by Helen E. Johnson and Christine Schelhas-Miller. Reprinted by permission of St. Martin's Press, LLC.

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